Saturday, February 4, 2012

Documentation- for myself

If you don't want to hear a pregnant woman whine DON'T read this post.

I had a dream last night (while attempting to find a comfortable position on the couch in which to sleep) that I was at the hospital for a minor procedure that only required a local anesthetic. The entire dream consisted of me begging the doctor to give me all the drugs he had so that I could be knocked out for the procedure and not wake up for as long as possible. Then I woke up again and it was 5:30 am. I went to the bathroom and realized my dream, as so many are, was just my mind begging to be knocked out and not have to feel anything else until this pregnancy is over.

This morning I decided that I should take the time to document how I feel so that someday, in the future, when everyone tells me I'll forget how awful I feel now--I can remember what is was like to live on faith and a prayer that I can just make it through a single day.

For starters, I am a wimp. I never enjoyed being pregnant, even with my first. It has always been hard for me. My last pregnancy was just awful and to this day, I can still remember how I felt and how many times I cried wondering how I would get through it. I remember feeling guilty when Ava was born because I started crying the minute she was out-- mostly because I was so relieved that the nightmare was finally over. Take that feeling and multiply it x10, and that is where I am today.

Less than 10 weeks to my due date (which it appears I will most likely make it to) and in the home stretch. This last week I have definitely hit a wall. Nothing is enjoyable anymore. My daily walk, which used to be my one moment of the day I actually felt somewhat human, has become an awful drudge that leaves me in more pain, more discomfort, and even more swollen. I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't not eat, I want to vomit 24/7, and I generally feel as if my insides are being ripped apart every time these babies move around. The comments about my impending due date seem to be more frequent and more sympathetic when so said stranger is informed the date is still quite far off. I find myself staring at the ground most of the time to avoid any eye contact that might possess another individual to engage in conversation about my current condition. I feel like a claustrophobic person that has been stuck inside a tube for several months, knowing there is no way to escape, but simply having to endure the constant feeling of impending doom.

I don't say these things to be dramatic or for attention. We've all had times in our lives when we have to endure something we feel we just can't get through. I'm writing these things to remind myself, in the future, of this experience. I truly believe that, although I may not be enduring it with gracefulness, I am enduring-- and it will make me a stronger, better person. Not to mention, newborn twins are sounding easier everyday, and I think I'm finding that I'm grateful to endure one really awful nine months as opposed to 18 bad months!

So there it is-- a small taste (there isn't enough room, nor do I want to go back and read all my ailments) of how I'm feeling. On the flip side, I'm started to get excited to meet these little (or apparently very large) girls.  I think we are mentally and physically almost ready for two new additions to our family and it's nice to not feel as scared and overwhelmed about the whole situation.

And now for a pep talk for myself......imagine the guy from "Water Boy" ......" You Can Do It!"


AMiller said...

Further proof that I never want to have twins. Should I say that? I think other people having twins is wonderful. And you have such cute girls. . .we just had a talk yesterday about focusing not on enduring to the end, but finding strength for just one more day. You can do it - one day at a time.

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