Monday, March 19, 2012

10 Reasons This Pregnancy Needs to be Over

I guess I'm into lists lately, so I thought I'd compile another one and give it to my doctor. Not that I really will--because he doesn't really care--he's never been pregnant with twins.

So here are my top ten reasons this pregnancy needs to be over--NOW!

10. I am suffocating to death. In fact I'm pretty sure one morning Colonel Mustard is going to come out and find a cold corpse on the couch because I just gave up trying to breathe.

9. The babies are baked! 36 weeks is full term for twins and I'll be 37 in a couple of days. They are huge-- get them out! DO NOT say anything about 40 weeks cause I'm pretty sure you'll be permanently added to the top of my forever.

8.  My mother-in-law will be here tomorrow, so there is no longer any excuse about who will manage my kids at home while the doctor extracts the two that are destroying my body.

7. I have stretch marks--yes at 36 weeks, the inevitable has happened. I have stretch marks starting on the bottom of my belly and I'm NOT happy about it. These girls can kiss any college tuition funds goodbye-- those funds were reassigned to the "Buy Mom some boobs, lypo, and laser surgery fund!"

6. My family is now praying that the babies will come out--SOON!.....because Mom doesn't have a short fuse--she has no fuse. It's like sticking a match straight to the stick of dynamite---and you never know what is going to light the match-- and you have no time to prepare it's just BOOM!

5. I think have I developed Pica. It started as an innocent need to stand in the wood aisle at Home Depot and deeply inhale for long periods of time, but has unfortunately escalated. I wish to drink spray paint and gasoline, chew on wood, and I struggle with a deep desire to eat the nicely groomed baseball field when Ethan is at practice. Yes, laugh... it's very funny... unless you're the one who REALLY has to fight the urge to eat dirt--then it's just plain messed up!

4. I cannot think at all anymore. No really, not just pregnancy brain, I actually cannot get enough blood to my brain. I black out on a regular basis and when I'm not blacking out, I feel as if I will throw up and pass out all together. Apparently this is just a side effect of my blood pressure being too low and my body's inability to pump blood past the babies who rob it all-- I'm suppose to go lie down when this happens, but then I'd pretty much be in bed all day...feeling like I'm going to suffocate to death. (see #10)

3. I have accomplished enough. All the major projects that I wanted to get done before the babies came have been done....and if I have to wait around much longer, I'm sure to come up with a new completely asanine  project that will surely send Colonel Mustard running for the hills!

2. I'm pretty sure that my pelvic floor is destroyed. Maybe that's why I can't go into labor. I didn't know it was possible for one body to endure such massive amounts of pressure without everything falling out the bottom. The curb running and trampoline jumping are probably not helping the situation, but you can't blame me for trying.  Come to think of it, the neighbors across the street have a bunch of horses... haven't tried that yet.

1. I have mentally checked out of this pregnancy. I am becoming more and more detached by the hour because that is the only way I know how to deal with the unrelenting exhaustion, sickness, and discomfort.

So if you see me out and about, do yourself a favor, pretend you don't see how massively pregnant I am and talk about something else-- or you might see a side of me you wish you didn't know!


Jazz and Rod said...

Have you tried mowing the lawn yet?! Or remodeling your basement?! That seemed to work last time didn't it?!

Tiar Hatley said...

I love how you are sleeping on the couch. I have to sleep on the couch after I get halfway through my pregnancy. Its nice to know I am not the only one. You are quite the trooper. I hate to break it to you, but your brain won't be back for at least a year. The kids leave the weight and destruction and take your brain. Its a good thing they make us laugh.