Dad's Most Famous Lectures

The other night I was looking for some paperwork and I stumbled across a great find. When I was 14 years old I decided to compile a list of my Dad's most famous lectures. Partly as a joke, and partly so he could just give us a number and we wouldn't have to hear a lecture over again for the 576th time. Upon finding it, I brought it upstairs and Colonel Mustard and I got a good laugh from it since we hadn't seen it in so many years.

I then realized just how long it's been since I'd had the pleasure of hearing any of those lectures firsthand. Colonel Mustard has never met my father. (Probably a good thing or we certainly wouldn't be married.  If he were alive, I'd probably still be living in his house as a secret cat lady--no boys allowed!) This month it has been 18 years since my father died. And after thinking for a moment-- I realized that I have now lived more of my life without my father than I did with him. ( I had just turned 16 a month before he died) Kind of a profound thought. Not a sad one really--just a moment to reflect on how that event has so shaped my life and to a Great deal--influenced who I am.

The following list is presented just how I had written it when I was 14 years old. I have changed nothing and omitted nothing. Please know that my father was a good man. I love him dearly--however he, like the rest of us, had his rough edges and his faults. If you are easily offended please STOP reading now. If you had the pleasure of knowing my father--I'm certain you have heard at least a few of these and will enjoy a good laugh in hearing them once more.

Without further ado--THE List!

Dad’s Most Famous Lectures

1    1.      Remember who you are.

2    2.      It’s your damn friends; that’s your problem.

3    3.      What are you eating? Butter or Bread?

4    4.      Clean up that pig pen.

5    5.      Act like a white woman.

6    6.      What? Were you raised in a barn?

7    7.      What took you so damn long?

8    8.      Get that food out of the living room.

9    9.      Leave the damn doors shut.

1    10.  Where did you get that lead foot?

1    11.  I’ll take that damn car away.

1    12.  No marriage until you’re 26 and I approve.

1    13.  Stop your damn picking.

1    14.  What are you? A dog?

1    15.  Get the hell home. I don’t care if it’s done.

1    16.  Do as I say. Not as I do.

1    17.  I am always right.

1    18.  Get off your butt and do something.

1    19.  Get the hell to bed.

2    20.  Don’t say I never did anything for you.

2    21.  You think that’s funny or something?

2    22.  Do I have to do everything around here?

2    23.  It’s not clean enough.

2    24.  Get some damn clothes on.

2    25.  Forget that damn homework. It will keep.

2    26.  Tie your shoes. You look like a slob.

2    27.  I don’t want no damn leftovers.

2    28.  Tell your teacher to go to hell.

2    29.  Go get your damn money back.

3    30.  School sports are a pain in my butt.

3    31.  What the hell do you got to have that for?

3    32.  I ain’t got no money.

3    33.  What’s your sorry excuse this time?

3    34.  When I was a boy….

3    35.  You sound like a dime store phonograph.

3    36.  Where’d you get a dumb idea like that.

3    37.  You’re not going to do that again -- So plan on it.

3    38.  Where the hell have you been?

3    39.  This place looks like a damn junkyard.

4    40.  That damn Mickey Mouse contraption.

4    41.  Damn modern America.

4    42.  Turn that damn show off.

4    43.  Do we have to live off Taco Bell?

4    44.  Where’s your mother?

4    45.  What the hell’s the matter with you? It’s 50 degrees out here.

4    46.  All I need to know I learned in Kindergarten.

4    47.  That damn pool is a curse.

4    48.  I don’t want to go on no damn vacation.

4    49.  Why the hell do you have to know that?

5    50.  No hard feelings. Have a nice day.