Friday, March 19, 2010

A Confession

I have a confession to make.

I am depressed.

Not much of a confession, I know. but I need it to stop, so I needed to write it down. I don't need sympathy. I don't need medication. I don't need psychological intervention. What I need is a serious attitude adjustment.

I had changed a lot of things, and  thought I had been making progress the last few weeks, but as my Mom left yesterday, I felt the weight creeping in again and it just can't. I can't explain how I feel, but I'm certain some of you out there have felt it before.
I'm exhausted
I'm overwhelmed
I can't keep up with the housework, work work, yard work--any of it
I'm feel like an inadequate mother, wife, friend, etc.
I am not happy with my physical self
I avoid social interaction
I feel old and unattractive
I feel isolated
I feel the best of my life has passed and it's down hill from here
Did I mention, I'm exhausted?

If you've ever felt like this, please...share with me what you did to change. If it involves medication, please don't share--as I strongly believe my issue is not medical in nature, but rather a challenge I need to mentally overcome. I believe that the grass is greener on the other side, and the best of my life is yet to come. I also believe that, in spite of being overwhelmed, we can be happy- I know because I've felt that too, and I want to feel it again.

8 comments:

Nicole said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
AMiller said...

Have I ever felt this? Is that a joke? Honey, I think that is called motherhood.
Seriously, I have better times and worse times, but I completely understand what you are saying. I don't think we are meant to be in a perpetual state of depression, but we have to be vigilant.
Everyone is different. Prayer helps me; a lot. Also, I make sure that I keep doing social things. I don't allow myself to get holed up in my house feeling sorry for myself. I go run. I go to lunch with friends. I take my kids to the park. I make sure that I get out of the house. I get dressed up just because Tim is coming home from work. I buy chocolate. I talk to people. I try to find people I can help in little ways. Pretty much, I try to do what I would do if I wanted to do it. If that makes sense. It all helps.
Oh, and I eat oatmeal for breakfast - with strawberries if I have them. That stuff is a miracle food.

Jessica said...

Yep. . . been feeling this way allot lately. (May be it's pregnancy hormones and maybe it's just another slightly annoying part of being a woman.) I certainly haven't entirely fixed my own struggles yet but my best strategies generally include prayer, scriptures, happy heart music, and a nap. If those things don't help I let John know that I need to run away for a little while. He will watch Ethan and I do something for myself such as take a bath, go for a walk, or play the piano. Sometimes my struggles seem to center from the fact that I get so busy and caught up in being mommy and wifey that I forget that I'm still Jessica and I need to take care of myself along with my family. Just some ideas. . . Hang in there. The best is certainly yet to come!

spa said...

This too shall pass--a dose of the Book of Mormon daily usually helps me but I'm guessing this isn't depression but homesickness since your mother just left. Jane Austen's Emma said it best, though she mistook it for love,
“The sensation of listlessness, weariness, stupidity, this inability to sit down and do
anything, this feeling that everything around the house is dull and insipid…when it never
was before”

And one other thought--when Isaac was about a year old my parents were visiting me. I was embarrassed that I just could not motivate myself to clean the house. I decided that either I had a long lasting case of postpartum depression and needed medication or I was otherwise ill. Either way, I needed to find out so I went to the doctor and discovered that I was actually just about recovered from a case of Mono that had apparently taken up residence in my body on the heals of the after birth blues and had been running me down for several months. I was relieved to know I was going to recover and gave myself permission to take a nap.

Jaime said...

so glad I'm not the only one, I totally go through this. I think we over-achievers and task-oriented people don't cut ourselves any slack! But, my remedy is usually I need to take a break and nurture me- the 4 things I discovered make me feel like myself and feel happy that I must do frequently are
1. hobby-(in my case scrapbooking so I can create, a need of mine)
2. read uplifting literature-(to nurutre the nerd in me!)
3. exercise- (releases endorphins and calms my stress/nerves)
4. socialize- (sometimes I hibernate to work on my to do list- then I realize I need to come up for air and be with actual people so i can laugh and enjoy life)
-to go along w/ #2. I find that when I re-devote myself to reading scriptures daily, I seem to cope with things better and feel peace, I also feel b/c I prove to the Lord my obedience in this, he seems to make me more efficient and I get more done and feel less worried about things.
This list is for me, but maybe you can discover what you need to help you feel human again. Thanks for openly sharing this, we're all in this together! (for what it's worth, I think you're a great friend, mom, wife! and food is that way to a man's heart, so your boys will LOVE you as long as you keep baking yummy stuff, lol.)

Wendy said...

First of all, I love you and I think you are an incredible mom and special person overall.

I think any woman who says she hasn't felt like this at some point would be lying. I know I feel this way frequently. Most of what I do has been mentioned, but it doesn't hurt to reinforce, right?

The following work for me (in no particular order...depending on the funk I'm in I may do one or all or a random combination): Exercise
Sunlight (not always in my control, obviously so on dreary days I have been known to turn ALL of the house lights on)
Reading the scriptures (although I don't reccommend starting with the Old Testament for upliftment ;-))
Reading a good book
Bubble baths
Chocolate
"Me" time
Loud music
Going for a drive with the windows down
Calling a friend
Getting out of the house (even if it's just for a short walk or to sit on the front porch)
Writing in my journal
Prayer

Lots of ((((HUGS))) for you!!!!!

Tiar Hatley said...

Ditto to everything you said. I am going through this same thing right now. Its crazy busy in our home and its just getting busier with spring coming. I just got back from my grandpa's funeral and the lonliness from missing my family has just intensified. Getting to see everyone was so awesome. I got to see family that I haven't seen in years. It was so awesome and leaving was so hard. I don't really have friends here, its hard for me to get close to people. So I watch some good movies and have a couple of veg days. I limit myself to the bare necessities of things to do. Then I gradually put myself back together again and remember to have things to do that I enjoy. I am excited to have my garden soon. Cuddling with my kids is good for all of us. Anyway, I feel for you, life is so stinkin hard. Good luck!! :)

Cheril Lunt said...

Well, I suppose I could maybe admit that I know what your going though... First off know that what you are going though is completely...... Normal.... I go through it all the time... My biggest remedy is getting out of the house... I find that sitting at home seeing all that I haven't done just brings me down more. I sometimes go shopping, to the mall, or a park. I also call someone when I first feel it coming on, that way I take my mind off of it. It gets easier to manager with time but, I am not completely sure it will ever go away. I Love you and your darling family. If you ever need a someone to "call" or to go out with let me know.